The ISP Nightmare
A light hearted look at the arrogant English
We have noticed that you are using far too much water and in order to be fair to all our customers, we will reduce your water pressure when the system becomes overloaded. In these peak times it will take 37 minutes to run a bath. This time could be reduced if you act responsibly and only
bathe in an inch of water once per calendar month. Your toilet will take 20 minutes to flush as the sewers are in danger of becoming overloaded. But we notice that you live on the second floor so sewage back-flows will not be a concern to you. These policies are approved by the government as necessary conservation. We all must do the best we can to save the planet.
From our recent customer surveys we are confident that these restrictions will not adversely effect
85.6% of our customers. If all our customers behaved responsibly we could close down one of the seven reservoirs that supply the city of Manchester. This would free up valuable land that could be sold to a property developer. This would be classed as a brown field site so planning permission will not be a problem.
In periods of peak usage and with the increased contention, we will need to reduce your gas pressure. You are advised to switch off all gas appliances when this occurs as most appliances are unsafe in these conditions.
Please visit our web site www. btfckup. double. dot. com for details of these outages. If the web site is busy it may not function correctly, so please be patient and keep trying.
B.T. cannot be held responsible for any case of carbon monoxide poisoning and you are advised that a B.T. approved carbon monoxide alarm can be purchased at the introductory price of £80 for new customers only. Existing Customers can obtain the same device by calling our help desk in New Deli. Please have all you personal details available including your inside leg measurement, and allow 2 hours for the call as all our support personnel are usually far too busy to answer the phone. Please be patient as your call is important to us.
We have had to move the transformer to accommodate the new housing development. Unfortunately you now live too far away from the transformer to receive a guaranteed minimum 230 volts a.c.. We cannot change the law of physics so we urge you to consider moving home closer to the transformer. B.T. cannot be held responsible for any financial loss incurred.
Should you decide to remain at your location, you will experience the dimming of lights during
periods of high usage and microwave oven operation may become a wee bit flaky. Should you need to use an electric oven to cook your bread, we would advise that in order to ensure an even oven temperature, that all serious cooking should be done between 2 to 4 AM. For customers in this position we are actively seeking a B.T. approved wood burning stove and we will send you an E mail when this becomes available.
We notice that you have a BSkyB satellite box and wish to make you aware that these boxes are responsible for power demands that make it necessary for us to operate Drax thermal power station continuously.
We are actively seeking government approval that will result in all Sky boxes becoming illegal, but in the meantime we request that you disconnect the Sky box during periods of peak demand and especially when you are making a phone call, running a bath, cooking with either gas or electricity and when using the Internet. This is a government approved conservation policy.
The number of telephone lines on your exchange has increased 400% in the last three years, so the phone system will become overloaded at peak times. We therefore have introduced a fair usage policy which will control the system during periods of high demand.
International calls will have their bandwidth reduced by not sending every third word and this could be further restricted to every second word if everyone in your block of flats uses the
phone at the same time.
Residents associations should formulate a plan so that only two people use the phone at the same time. From our recent customer surveys we are confident that these restrictions will not adversely
effect 84.5% of our customers.
We notice that you have been with us since our conception and therefore you will be very knowledgeable and confident that our systems will continue to fully satisfy your Broadband needs.
However since you have chosen B.T. as your water supplier we can now offer you an improved service. One of our highly trained Engineers will visit your premises next Sunday to install our
new modem. There will be a charge for this service.
The new system modem connects to the copper pipes of your existing water system and with the
increased copper size it is hoped that we will be able to offer you an increase in speed at some time in the future. B.T. continue to strive to make your broadband experience worthwhile, and request that you help us by restricting all your downloads to between 2 and 4 AM.
All electric, gas and water meters will be removed, to save the unnecessary cost of meter readers and paper bills. You should not be concerned about your usage, we will monitor this for you. We would like to advise you that all your bills can be viewed on-line, but understand our partners B.T.Yahoo have some long term teething troubles maintaining this web-site. We are pleased however to announce that it will be fully operational on the 13th of every month for all months with the letter R in the name.
Thank you for choosing B.T. Total Utilities.
